The emotions that go along with being a mommy are intense! They may be especially so because I’ve been up since 3 AM and breastfeeding my growing baby all night before that. It could also be because we have two very special days in our family this month, one of them being the 4th anniversary of Kalis’ birth.
So many thoughts have been running through my head as my sweet baby’s body curls into mine and I think of what I have and what I can no longer hold.
All the emotions jumble as I let my mind go:
God, I’m so blessed!
I miss my little girl.
I can’t believe how big my baby is getting.
Kalis would have been 4 in less than 2 weeks.
Where did all the time go?
My baby is so beautiful!
What would Kalis’ present passion be if she chose to stay?
I want my baby to feel like today is “the-best-day-ever”. What if it isn’t?
I’m so glad I got to spend the time I had with Kalis.
And then I could go down the spiral:
But why did she have to leave?
I can’t even remember when my baby was little…
I choose gratitude!
I am thankful for the time I had with Kalis. I am thankful she chose to stay for as long as she did. I am thankful for the lessons she taught me. I am thankful that I get to watch my baby grow up. I am thankful that my baby will always be my baby no matter how old. I am thankful for this moment.
I am present and I am so thankful for this moment.
Emotions can be confusing. Especially at 3 AM. Especially if you’ve lost a baby, and even if you have a gorgeous baby right next to you. Choose gratitude and those tears of “every emotion imaginable” might just turn in to tears of joy. Choose to be present and feel peace.
What emotions come up for you in the middle of the night? How do you get back to peace? I'd love to hear about it in the comments below.
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