I’ve got to admit that I’m scared. I know in my head that I’m capable, but I’m scared of messing “it” up. Whatever “it” is in my life at the moment. I doubt myself in my heart.
After each miscarriage I experienced serious self-doubt. My body was broken. I was broken. Obviously there must be something wrong with me or I wouldn’t have lost my babies. Right? But, that was all in my head. I knew in my heart that wasn’t true.
Then I lost Kalis.
That was when I lost myself. Everything changed. The belief that I was broken seeped into my heart. A major part of the spiritual journey Kalis has led me to has been to heal that doubt and brokenness and to live my life with confidence and trust.
I’ve come a long way on that healing journey. I was able to experience the conception, pregnancy, and birth of my baby without fear (though I had to temporarily separate myself from others who clung to fear during that time).
But the self-doubt lingers and shows itself when I least expect it.
There is a fight, flight, or freeze response associated with stress. Last week I received an amazing endorsement for my business. A chiropractor that I respect referred a woman to me. That woman had just experienced a loss and the chiropractor believed that working with me would truly benefit this woman. I experienced gratitude for her words and her belief in my work. And then I froze. I was unable to do any work on my business at all after that and I was scared that the woman might actually call to work with me. Why? Because those words, that beautiful endorsement, triggered the “I'm going to mess it up” belief and self-doubt kicked in. That deep self-doubt that still hides in my heart reminded me that I still have healing work to do.
So what did I do? I decided to take a break. I didn’t write my weekly blog or newsletter, but I did set an appointment for a Mayan Abdominal Massage.
As I went through my history and my story with the practitioner, she encouraged me to blog and was delighted when I told her that I have indeed started down that path and am already offering mentoring services and workshops. She said that she has worked with many women for whom my story and my services could be profoundly healing. While encouraged, I was again triggered. But I decided to let it go and accept whatever healing was available to me in that place.
The treatment I received inspired some deep meditation and while the self-doubt still tugs at my heart, the fear is no longer holding my body, mind, and spirit captive.
So, what conclusions have I come to?
I often stop myself because I don’t want to “mess it up” and my mind chooses my losses as “evidence” that this belief is true. I don’t want to charge someone for services that I believe could support healing, just to disappoint. I also know in my head that even though I tend to diminish my worth, others do not.
Therefore, the only way for me to move forward despite self-doubt is to provide a satisfaction-guarantee for all my products and services. If my product or service is good for you, great! You benefit from that and I get paid. If my product or service really is no good for you, then email me within 24 hours and I’ll give you your money back, less the cost of providing that product or service. So, if you attend a workshop with 7 other women and it costs me $80 to rent the workshop space, I’ll give you the full fee minus $10 if you feel that you received no benefit from working with me.
Sometimes the most profound healing occurs when I figure out how to continue my work in the world, even when I’m feeling broken.
Here’s to continued healing for the both of us! I wish you the best.
How do you move forward when you're feeling stuck? Share in the comments below.
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