I love my baby. I love my baby so much. I never knew anything could feel like this. I love my husband a lot, but this is totally different.
Why then, have I been disconnected, irritable, and bored-feeling while I’ve been hanging out with my little one this week? Don’t get me wrong - I didn’t start yelling at, or ignoring, my kid all of the sudden. I just didn’t enjoy myself and I’ve been making stupid mistakes. (What? That thing can be ripped into bite-sized pieces? Who knew!) Along with all that, I’ve been ignoring this incredible urge to be creative while also not having the motivation to do anything about it. It’s also possible that I’ve been self-medicating with food. Pancakes twice in a day? Yes. That day was yesterday.
I write about some pretty heavy stuff sometimes. But, I write about my life and some of the life I’ve lived is heavy. But one Sunday morning was not heavy! There are some moment in life that are so sweet and easy. This was one of them.
Picture this: You’ve got a booklet of papers you need to copy. You go to the copy machine, press the buttons, and walk away expecting that when you come back you’ll have 200 collated copies of your booklet. When you get back you realize there was a glitch in the settings and now you’ve got a whole stack of just the cover sheet. On top of that, there is a blemish on every single copy so they can’t even be used. If you’d been standing there, you would have noticed and fixed it right away. That’s what happens with cancer. A cell gets misprinted and makes a bunch of copies that don’t work right. Everybody has cancer cells in their bodies. Usually though, the immune system is right there and handles it right away. But, if the immune system is distracted by another illness or weakened by chemicals, lack of nutrition, or something else, then it’s as if it just walked away, not noticing that a bad copy keeps running. That stack of blemished cover sheets is a tumor.